Bibliophibia

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roachpatrol:

jumpingjacktrash:

the-real-seebs:

stuckinabucket:

I think probably the best, most ridiculous sort of story out there is the one that hinges on the idea that men are spectacularly vain, arrogant, and faithless.  There’s the subset of this story that usually hinges on nobody ever being curious enough to look in the box/room/mirror/whatever, but those typically at least have some path by which terrible fate can circumvent the plucky protagonist.  A story in which everybody has to cooperate and adhere to some stupid term is a story where the outcome is a foregone conclusion.
But in so many of these damn things, you’ve got this dude who’s married to a demon or a fairy or a what-the-fuck-ever, and she loves him, and thanks to her he’s been wildly fortunate and successful, and basically everything’s fantastic.  And literally all he has to do to keep this going is not stick his dick in another woman.  That’s it.  To keep his eternally-young, practically-omnipotent wife and the amazing life she’s given him, the only requirement is that he not bang other chicks.
And the entire time you’re reading this story or watching this movie, you know it’s a given that he’s going to go bang some other chick.  Why?  Dunno.  He just does. 
I mean, obviously, the literal reason is that the story requires he cheat.  There’s no climax if he does the non-ridiculously stupid thing and remembers that his wife could rip him limb from limb and eat him if he does that one thing she told him not to.  Why that story keeps getting told, though, is beyond me, because it’s unbefuckinglievably silly.
Like, you’d think it wouldn’t really have legs.  Most people, you sit them down and explain that this very attractive person who they love dearly and is showering them with gold and so forth will continue to do so, provided they do this one small thing, will nod politely and think that’s a fair trade.  And then when you explain that this very attractive person is also secretly terrifying and will not only take away their gifts but might also murder them to death in a rage if that condition isn’t met, well.  If you take a long, hard look at your life and realize that monogamy just isn’t for you, right then’s the time to bail, bro.
"I love you, Demon Bride from the Seventh Hell, but I’m not in love with you.  I hope we can stay friends, but I think we’d just be better off with people who share our own cultural values, especially about the murder-for-infidelity thing.”
I mean The Sorcerer and the White Snake was a fun movie, don’t get me wrong, but the entire plot was just Jet Li doing his damnedest to ruin a happy marriage. (Turns out celibate dudes do not make the best relationship counselors.) Jason and Medea is 90% “Have you learned nothing from your previous adventures with this woman?”. Ondine’s story is a testament to thinking carefully about one’s phrasing.
But nobody in these things ever just sits the guy down and says, “Better be sure about this, guy, because you’re going to get devoured by a pack of wild dogs the second you cheat on her.”  Nobody ever hears about this, shrugs, and goes “There’s a reason we call him Faithful Bob, guy.” Dude in question’s friends never discover the terrible secret and resolve to cockblock him every time he thinks about taking a mistress.  Nope.  Either the couple breaks up, or the husband’s minced meat on toast points.
It’s just taken as a given that no guy could ever, possibly, even under constant threat of horrible supernatural death, not cheat on his wife.  Beautiful? Check. Young? Check. Desirable? Check. Rich? Check. They’re in love with her? Check. None of that matters, in ten years they’re going to try and pork a servant-girl/their best friend’s wife/a neighboring kingdom’s princess? Check check checkity check check check.
So you’re left just going along for the ride with this story, and it’s kind of like watching any sci-fi movie involving Keanu Reeves.  At first you’re all “Yeah, I get this, this kind of makes sense!” and then as time goes on, you’re left increasingly skeptical of the entire premise of the story and the rules under which this world operates.
Trusted Adviser: “You must keep it in your pants with everyone but your hot, nubile, beloved wife!”
Increasingly Doomed Protagonist: “Noooooooooo!  Fidelity, my only weakness!  How did you know?”
Bro Chorus: “But think of the way she’ll tear your head off and drink your blood in anger if you bang the sympathetic barista who liked your novel!”
Completely Fucked Protagonist: “I can’t!  It’s too late! Coooooooooooooooock rampaaaaaaaaaaaage!”
And you’re just going “I…what?  How hard is it to just…not do this?  Why is this the linchpin of the story?  Frodo spent three whole books not giving into the One Ring, dude, the least you can fucking do is not ask the waitress for a blowjob the second your wife goes to visit her mom.” and the story’s still asking you to take this incredibly seriously, like it’s just this absolute given that no struggle could ever be as difficult as some muppet’s inability to master his dick.  It’s just too bonkers.  You’re left eating your popcorn and saying “Okay, sure, let’s roll with that” at each beat in the action.

That is a fascinating point which I had not previously considered. Huh.

i’m laughing my ass off because it’s true, and i’ve wondered that myself. seriously whyyyyy

I always thought it went like this:
Women: goddamn men sure do fuck around on partners that don’t deserve their dumb shit
Decent, fair, responsible men: yeah what the hell is up with that
All the other men: lol idk it just happens bc PENISES amirite haha
The moral of the story: you thought this was a warning against thinking with your dick but actually it’s about how men should not be held to even the lowest standards of rational self-interest, much less that weird difficult stuff like empathy, compassion, or loyalty. 
Men: woo! free pass!

roachpatrol:

jumpingjacktrash:

the-real-seebs:

stuckinabucket:

I think probably the best, most ridiculous sort of story out there is the one that hinges on the idea that men are spectacularly vain, arrogant, and faithless.  There’s the subset of this story that usually hinges on nobody ever being curious enough to look in the box/room/mirror/whatever, but those typically at least have some path by which terrible fate can circumvent the plucky protagonist.  A story in which everybody has to cooperate and adhere to some stupid term is a story where the outcome is a foregone conclusion.

But in so many of these damn things, you’ve got this dude who’s married to a demon or a fairy or a what-the-fuck-ever, and she loves him, and thanks to her he’s been wildly fortunate and successful, and basically everything’s fantastic.  And literally all he has to do to keep this going is not stick his dick in another woman.  That’s it.  To keep his eternally-young, practically-omnipotent wife and the amazing life she’s given him, the only requirement is that he not bang other chicks.

And the entire time you’re reading this story or watching this movie, you know it’s a given that he’s going to go bang some other chick.  Why?  Dunno.  He just does. 

I mean, obviously, the literal reason is that the story requires he cheat.  There’s no climax if he does the non-ridiculously stupid thing and remembers that his wife could rip him limb from limb and eat him if he does that one thing she told him not to.  Why that story keeps getting told, though, is beyond me, because it’s unbefuckinglievably silly.

Like, you’d think it wouldn’t really have legs.  Most people, you sit them down and explain that this very attractive person who they love dearly and is showering them with gold and so forth will continue to do so, provided they do this one small thing, will nod politely and think that’s a fair trade.  And then when you explain that this very attractive person is also secretly terrifying and will not only take away their gifts but might also murder them to death in a rage if that condition isn’t met, well.  If you take a long, hard look at your life and realize that monogamy just isn’t for you, right then’s the time to bail, bro.

"I love you, Demon Bride from the Seventh Hell, but I’m not in love with you.  I hope we can stay friends, but I think we’d just be better off with people who share our own cultural values, especially about the murder-for-infidelity thing.”

I mean The Sorcerer and the White Snake was a fun movie, don’t get me wrong, but the entire plot was just Jet Li doing his damnedest to ruin a happy marriage. (Turns out celibate dudes do not make the best relationship counselors.) Jason and Medea is 90% “Have you learned nothing from your previous adventures with this woman?”. Ondine’s story is a testament to thinking carefully about one’s phrasing.

But nobody in these things ever just sits the guy down and says, “Better be sure about this, guy, because you’re going to get devoured by a pack of wild dogs the second you cheat on her.”  Nobody ever hears about this, shrugs, and goes “There’s a reason we call him Faithful Bob, guy.” Dude in question’s friends never discover the terrible secret and resolve to cockblock him every time he thinks about taking a mistress.  Nope.  Either the couple breaks up, or the husband’s minced meat on toast points.

It’s just taken as a given that no guy could ever, possibly, even under constant threat of horrible supernatural death, not cheat on his wife.  Beautiful? Check. Young? Check. Desirable? Check. Rich? Check. They’re in love with her? Check. None of that matters, in ten years they’re going to try and pork a servant-girl/their best friend’s wife/a neighboring kingdom’s princess? Check check checkity check check check.

So you’re left just going along for the ride with this story, and it’s kind of like watching any sci-fi movie involving Keanu Reeves.  At first you’re all “Yeah, I get this, this kind of makes sense!” and then as time goes on, you’re left increasingly skeptical of the entire premise of the story and the rules under which this world operates.

Trusted Adviser: “You must keep it in your pants with everyone but your hot, nubile, beloved wife!”

Increasingly Doomed Protagonist: “Noooooooooo!  Fidelity, my only weakness!  How did you know?”

Bro Chorus: “But think of the way she’ll tear your head off and drink your blood in anger if you bang the sympathetic barista who liked your novel!”

Completely Fucked Protagonist: “I can’t!  It’s too late! Coooooooooooooooock rampaaaaaaaaaaaage!”

And you’re just going “I…what?  How hard is it to just…not do this?  Why is this the linchpin of the story?  Frodo spent three whole books not giving into the One Ring, dude, the least you can fucking do is not ask the waitress for a blowjob the second your wife goes to visit her mom.” and the story’s still asking you to take this incredibly seriously, like it’s just this absolute given that no struggle could ever be as difficult as some muppet’s inability to master his dick.  It’s just too bonkers.  You’re left eating your popcorn and saying “Okay, sure, let’s roll with that” at each beat in the action.

That is a fascinating point which I had not previously considered. Huh.

i’m laughing my ass off because it’s true, and i’ve wondered that myself. seriously whyyyyy

I always thought it went like this:

Women: goddamn men sure do fuck around on partners that don’t deserve their dumb shit

Decent, fair, responsible men: yeah what the hell is up with that

All the other men: lol idk it just happens bc PENISES amirite haha

The moral of the story: you thought this was a warning against thinking with your dick but actually it’s about how men should not be held to even the lowest standards of rational self-interest, much less that weird difficult stuff like empathy, compassion, or loyalty. 

Men: woo! free pass!

Sweet Thing: a f!Hawke/Isabela fanmix
The Parting Glass - Sarah Greene
Take It Off - The Donnas
Nail In My Coffin - The Kills
Stay With Me - Sam Smith
It’s Only Me - Dessa
Secret Heart - Feist
Home - Gabrielle Aplin
Make a New Dance Up - Hey Ocean!

Sweet Thing: a f!Hawke/Isabela fanmix

  1. The Parting Glass - Sarah Greene
  2. Take It Off - The Donnas
  3. Nail In My Coffin - The Kills
  4. Stay With Me - Sam Smith
  5. It’s Only Me - Dessa
  6. Secret Heart - Feist
  7. Home - Gabrielle Aplin
  8. Make a New Dance Up - Hey Ocean!

no-puppy-eyes:

Inspired by: (X)

for those not in the fandom, it’s worth noting that this is the actual end credits song of Dragon Age 2

wellmanicuredman:

did-you-kno:

Source

let the record show that the first humans capable of imagination immediately invented furries

wellmanicuredman:

did-you-kno:

Source

let the record show that the first humans capable of imagination immediately invented furries

a-spoon-is-born:

antiva-is-for-lovers:

voreing:

here’s a video of an armadillo playing if youve never seen that before

Oh. My. God.

image

(Source: coolator)

Irresistably (Mass Effect fic)

probablylostrightnow:

Thanks to swaps55 and interstellarperformance for requesting this, and theherocomplex and servantofclio for providing ideas.

No content warnings, 1009 words.

#

Liara badly needed a drink. Shepard had messaged to say that she was done visiting Ashley and Thane at the hospital, but needed a few hours to “do some of Aria’s dirty work.” After those two stops, she was definitely going to come back to the ship full of grief and guilt and frustration. Not that Liara begrudged Shepard any of those emotions, but she thought they would be more easily faced after a drink or two..

Not at Apollo’s - it was far too public, not to mention under observation by her father. She’d asked Avina to recommend a bar. “Something nearby, but off the beaten path.”

Avina had asked, “Are those your only parameters?”

Liara, envisioning Avina directing her to a dextro-only bar, had added, “It should have drinks I can consume. Oh, somewhere I can get a Thessian Sunset!”

Avina had obligingly sent her to this nondescript hole in the wall. It was dominated by a long bar with three sides, with a wide open space broken only by a few chairs and tables. This made more sense when she realized that the bartender and most of the customers were elcor. She snagged a stool and pulled it up to the bar. She caught the bartender’s eye; when he came laboriously over to her, she ordered her drink and watched him start mixing.

An elcor with a frayed, almost ratty-looking head covering slid his drink down the bar and inched closer to Liara. “Awkwardly: I don’t think I’ve seen you in here before.”

“You haven’t. I’m just stopping in for a few drinks.” Liara turned to the bartender and accepted her drink, deliberately not looking back to her interlocutor.

“Nervously: don’t you think the weather is nice today?”

Keeping her head averted, Liara said, “We’re on the Citadel. The weather is nice every day it’s not raining geth.”

“Desperately: you know, blue is my favorite color.”

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ryuichifoxe:

>3>

ryuichifoxe:

>3>

(Source: thefinestmuffinsandbagels)

wearelike-smallpotatoes:

zomey:

My bosses daughter wanted hair like mine for her schools Crazy Hair day, so I took on that 14” challenge and put it up for her n walked her to school . Needless to say she’s very popular in that bodunk town now :p

This is the CUTEST FUCKING THING AHHG

wearelike-smallpotatoes:

zomey:

My bosses daughter wanted hair like mine for her schools Crazy Hair day, so I took on that 14” challenge and put it up for her n walked her to school . Needless to say she’s very popular in that bodunk town now :p

This is the CUTEST FUCKING THING AHHG